Advice
from an ad hoc faculty on the complicated matters of heart, mind, body, and soul.
Q:
YOU SUSPECT YOUR 16-YEAR-OLD IS HAVING SEX. WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY OR DO?
I
think the first thing you need to do is ask yourself what is the evidence? Have
you found your child necking? Has your daughter come to you asking about your
gynecologist? A boyfriend, girlfriend, or your child asking you questions about
sex is not enough evidence for you as the parent to be questioning your child.
If
you do have enough evidence to believe your child is sexually active, there are
a few rules to remember: Look your child directly in the eyes and talk, do not
scream at them. If you are embarrassed to talk about sex, practice in front of
a mirror first. One of the worst things you can do is tell them you can't handle
the situation.
This
may be the time to talk about real choices--such as what type of birth control
they are going to use. It is also time to let them know you are not pleased with
their decision to have sex and encourage them to wait. Chances are that a child
who is having sex at 16 is probably going to end up getting hurt.
--Matti
Geshenfeld, Ph.D.
President,
Couples Learning
Center
Philadelphia, PA
Sixteen
is too late! Kids need parents to talk openly and honestly with them from a very
young age. This is not a pre-AIDS society that can pretend to be separate from
the rest of the world. Kids need to be comfortable with their selves and their
sexuality long before they practice it.
Teenagers
are the fastest rising risk group for AIDS. We need to confront our own fears
about AIDS and stop projecting them on our children. Their lives are at stake.
Children
must be lovingly approached and taught the beautiful and ugly sides of human sexuality.
They must know the responsibilities that go along with sexual relations before
they have children themselves. We all know this is a different world. We must
face it with the utmost courage and honesty.
Timothy
J. Hollis
Santa
Fe, NM
I
would sit them down and have a nice little heart to heart. First, I would talk
about physical risks. Then I would talk about emotional risks like where they
thought the relationship was going. I'd also talk about birth control be cause
although I'd prefer they wait, it is better to be safe than sorry
I
know kids because I am a kid and I know that, it they want to have sex, they will.
But most important, I'd let them know I would love them no matter what they do.
P.S.
Don't lecture. Lectures are stupid and when they are given, kids usually end up
doing the opposite anyway!
Kathryn
Christensen, 16
Apple
Valley, NM
I
would say that I hoped that it was planned, consensual, nonexploitive, and protected.
I would express regret that he/she did not wait until he/she was older, surer,
wiser. would tell him/her that I hoped that now and hereafter his/her love relations
are characterized by mutual respect, caring, and kindness...and that they spoke
about it and thought about it.
Jane
M. Johnson, MSW
Planned
Parenthood
Federation
of America
New
York, NY
It's
important to talk to children about sexuality--which includes much more than the
biology of reproduction--on a regular basis well before they reach adolescence.
These discussions should reflect the child's level of maturity and should include
issues of responsibility, why we don't force people to do things against their
will, contraception, and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. This
makes it easier for teenagers to talk about their own sexual feelings.
If
I suspected my 16-year old were sexually active, I'd discuss several issues we'd
talked about in the past. Are they using condoms and another form of birth control
every time? Are either of them feeling exploited or manipulated? What do they
want out of the relationship? What will they do in the event of pregnancy? How
else might they be able to express their feelings for each other?
--Lawrence
Kutner, Ph.D.
Clinical
Psychologist
Harvard
Medical
School,
Cambridge, MA
Use
a condom and don't f**k with your shoes on.
--Helen
Tworkov
Editor
in Chief, tricycle:
The
Buddhist Review
First
off, parents shouldn't hesitate to let their child know their opinion on the subject.
You can't control your teenager's behavior, but you have a right to express your
thoughts about what he or she is doing. And while your daughter or son may not
ask you directly, he or she may need and want your guidance and benefit from your
experience. What's key is presenting what you have to say in the right way. You
might say, "I'd always hoped you'd wait until you were older and in a caring,
committed relationship before you had sex" (if that's how you feel), or "I'd
always hoped that you'd be using birth control when you had sex." This approach
is particularly appropriate if you're not certain your child actually is having
sex. It's nonaccusatory and nonconfrontational.
If
you are sure your child is having sex, whether or not you approve, it's important
to get past your own feelings and make sure he or she understands how important
it is to be responsible about using birth control and protection from sexually
transmitted diseases. While it's disappointing that your child may be doing something
against your wishes, it's much sadder to be confronting an unwanted pregnancy
or a terminal illness.
-Catherine
Cavender,
Executive
Editor
Seventeen
magazine
New
York, NY
If
I suspected my 16-yearold were having sex, I would remind him or her that they
are responsible for their actions. I would talk to them about the importance of
using a condom with another form of birth control to prevent disease and pregnancy.
I would also explain that their actions could affect a third person if there is
a pregnancy, and ask if they're ready for that.
Last,
I would explain that they should not pressure anyone or feel pressured to have
sex. And if they had any questions or news to tell, I would let them know I was
available.
-Steven
O. Philippi
Driver,
United Parcel Service
Valley
Stream, NY
By:
Gershenfeld, Matti; Hollis, Timothy J. Originally published by Psychology
Today:Mar/Apr 94
