Ah,
sexual fantasy. It has one big advantage over sexual reality: You have total control
over everything that happens. You won't be humiliated or suffer at the hands of
a brutish lover unless, of course, that's what you want.
Consider
the possibilities. Your fantasy partner can be a celebrity, the guy who works
down the hall, or your best friend's mate. You enjoy complete choice of venue:
a tropical island, an elevator, a tree swing. And the activity in question can
range from romantic, longing glances to sexual gymnastics that would strain a
circus contortionist.
So
perhaps the most surprising fact about our fantasies is this: The sexual scenario
we most often imagine is . . . ordinary, non-kinky intercourse with a past or
current lover. Despite the potential for limitless freedom, our fantasies generally
stay firmly tethered to reality.
Don't
worry if you assumed most fantasies were a bit more risque. Even in today's tell-all
culture, sexual fantasies remain one of our last taboos, something that people
simply don't discuss.
"We
tell each other almost everything--our sexual habits, who we lust for, how much
money we make," notes Columbia University psychiatrist Ethel Person, M.D.,
author of By Force of Fantasy. "But I do not know the sexual fantasies of
my closest friends. We regard fantansies as too revealing. They're treasured possessions,
yet we're ashamed of them"
Even
psychologists long found sexual fantasy vaguely disreputable, ignoring the topic
almost entirely for the first half of the century. But the last two decades have
produced a flurry of new information, say University of Vermont psychologist Harold
Leitenberg, Ph.D., and South Carolina's Kris Henning, Ph.D. And it turns out that
a lot of what we thought we knew is wrong.
Imaginary
Lovers
The
misconceptions about sexual fantasies began with Freud himself. In 1908 he declared
that "a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one." Later
thinkers embroidered this theme, developing what has become known as the deficiency
theory.
"People
still believe that fantasies are compensation for lack of sexual opportunity,"
says Leitenberg. "That if your sex life was adequate, you wouldn't have to
fantasize."
But
the data show that, if anything, frequent fantasizers are having more than their
share of fun in bed. They have sex more often, engage in a wider variety of erotic
activities, have more partners, and masturbate more often than infrequent fantasizers,
Leitenberg and Henning report in Psychological Bulletin.
The
association between fantasies and a healthy sex life is so strong, in fact, that
it's now considered pathological not to have sexual fantasies.
And
no wonder. Researchers studying sexual fantasies confirm that everyone has them,
from adolescence onward. Well, almost everyone: About five percent of men and
women say they have never had a sexual fantasy (or won't admit to it). Person
believes that these fantasy-free folks are getting a vicarious fix elsewhere--from
movies, for example. Or else they simply aren't paying attention to their own
thoughts.
Most
adults say they first remember fantasizing between the ages of 11 and 13. From
there they quickly pick up speed. Sexual fantasies and thoughts are most common
in hormone-addled teens and young adults. In one study, researchers asked people
at random times during the day whether sex had crossed their minds during the
past five minutes. Among 14- and 15-year-olds, 57 percent of boys and 42 percent
of girls said yes. Affirmative responses were less common with increasing age:
among 56-to 64-year-olds, 19 percent of men and 12 percent of women answered yes.
Once
you get beyond age, though, it's hard to predict whether a given person has lots
of fantasies. Attempts to identify a "fantasy-prone" type of individual
have been woefully unsuccessful. Even religious and political views provide few
clues. Conservatives have just as many fantasies as liberals--despite the fact
that, according to one study, nearly half of conservative Christians feel sexual
fantasies are "morally flawed or unacceptable."
The
devout aren't the only ones who have mixed feelings. One in four people feel strong
guilt about their fantasies, reports Leitenberg. Most of this hand-wringing "involves
people who feel guilty about fantasizing while making love to their partners,"
he says. Even among sexually adventurous groups like college students, 22 percent
of women and 8 percent of men said they usually try to repress the feelings associated
with fantasy.
Guilt
also strikes when fantasy and personal ideology collide. "There are people
who feel that their sexual fantasies are not a part of them" Person says.
"The CEO of a Fortune 500 company may have masochistic fantasies of being
tied to a bed, and he might be perfectly comfortable because he sees that as respite
from having to be in control; whereas some feminists are ashamed because they
have masochistic fantasies and they feel that the fantasies are contrary to their
political beliefs."
Such
guilt exacts a heavy toll. Those who fret over their fantasies have sex less often
and enjoy it less, even though the content of their fantasies is no different
from those of the guilt-free.
But
even unusual and "deviant" fantasies give little reason for concern
in healthy individuals. It's true that we sometimes use fantasies as a springboard
for later sexual hijinks. But the path from fantasy to deviance is anything but
direct.
Rape
fantasies, for instance, are far more common than rapes themselves. And as an
extreme example, consider that only 22 percent of child molesters say they had
sexual fantasies about kids before their first molestation. So unusual fantasies
are a concern only when they become compulsive or exclusive, or for individuals
"in whom the barrier between thought and behavior has been broken,"
say Leitenberg and Henning,
Exactly
why your fantasies differ from those of your friends is not well understood. But
theories abound. Certainly personal experience and the things we see, hear, and
read about enter the mix.
External
stimuli like sexy advertisements or scantily clad passersby, in fact, may be responsible
for the off-noted observation that men fantasize more than women. In a sample
of college students, researchers found that men fantasized or thought about sex
7.2 times a day, compared to 4.5 for women. For each sex, two of those fantasies
were internally triggered. But men reported twice as many externally provoked
thoughts.
Our
favorite internally triggered fantasies probably attain preferred status through
classical conditioning, the sane process that had Pavlov's dogs drooling at the
sound of a bell. Fantasies that accompany orgasms are particularly reinforced,
for instance, making them more arousing next time around. From there "we
embellish them, change them," says Person. "They're like an evolving
series." Scenarios that don't accompany arousal are discarded.
While
the most common fantasies involve routine sex with a past, present, or imaginary
partner, that's not to say that we don't occasionally give our fantasy muscles
a more strenuous workout. In addition to those decidedly "vanilla" scenarios,
Leitenberg and Henning describe three other primary flavors of fantasy:
o
Novel or "forbidden" imagery. This includes unconventional settings,
questionable partners like strangers or relatives, and ligament-straining positions
worthy of the Kama Sutra. Or as Dr. Seuss once asked (albeit in a somewhat different
context): "Would you, could you, in a boat? Could you, would you, with a
goat?"
o
Scenes of sexual irresistibility. Here the emphasis is on seductive power: overcoming
the reluctance of an initially indifferent man or woman through sheer animal magnetism.
Or the irresistibility may take numerical form in fantasies involving multiple
partners.
o
Dominance and submission fantasies. In these, sexual power is expressed either
ritualistically--in sadomasochistic activities--or through physical force, as
in rape fantasies. Such fantasies are surprisingly common. Person reports that
44 percent of men have had fantasies of dominating a partner. Other studies found
that 51 percent of women fantasized about being forced to have sex, while a third
imagined: "I'm a slave who must obey a man's every wish."
None
of this means, of course, that real-world rape victims "really want it."
"Women who find submission fantasies sexually arousing are very clear that
they have no wish to be raped in reality," say Leitenberg and Henning. In
their fantasies, women control every aspect of what occurs. And their scenarios
are far less brutal than real-life attacks. Typically the fantasy involves an
attractive man whose restraint is simply overwhelmed by the woman's attractiveness.
These fantasies serve the same psychological purpose as scenes of irresistibility.
"It's different means to the same end" says Leitenberg. "We want
to be desired."
Incidentally,
researchers find little difference in the fantasies of hetero- and homosexuals--except
in the gender of participants.
Harlequin
and Hefner
It
doesn't take a Ph.D. to figure out that the fantasies of men and women differ.
Just look at the fantasy scenarios that publishers push.
Men
have Playboy: big-busted women exposing their attributes, in almost clinical detail,
from a variety of angles and positions. For women, on the other hand, there are
tales like The Bridges of Madison County and cookie-cutter Harlequin romances.
The covers may depict heaving bosoms and Fabio's muscular physique, but the sex
always comes packaged within an emotional, passionate romance.
While
all this may change as sexual roles and cultural attitudes change, fantasies still
fall along those gender lines. When male and female college students were asked
to write out in detail three fantasies they had, women were more likely to describe
romance and commitment while men mentioned a greater number of sexual acts.
In
another study of 300 college students, 41 percent of the women but only 16 percent
of the men--said that while fantasizing they focused on the "personal or
emotional characteristics of the partner." Men, however, were four times
as likely to focus on their fantasy partner's physical characteristics. Sociobiologists
argue that these discrepancies represent evolved behavioral differences between
men and women. But even if that's true, Leitenberg observes, there are certainly
cultural pressures for women not to think about sex outside of a committed relationship,
lest they be labeled a "slut."
The
romance/genitalia dichotomy isn't the only major differences in male and female
fantasies, report Leitenberg and Henning. Here are some others:
1)
Men are more likely to imagine themselves doing something to a woman, and their
fantasies focus on her body. Women, on the other hand, tend to envision something
being done to them and to concentrate more on their partner's interest in her.
2)
Male fantasies more often involve sex with two or more partners at one time. In
one study, a third of men had fantasies about sex with multiple partners--twice
the number of women. Guys are also more likely to switch partners in mid-fantasy.
3)
Both sexes imagine overpowering a partner or being forced to submit to another's
wishes. But men are more likely to have domination fantasies, while women tend
to see themselves submitting to a partner's sexual wishes. One researcher reports
that 13 percent of women but only 4 percent of men said that their favorite fantasy
was being forced to have sex.
4)
Men have a greater variety of fantasies. Asked to check off all those they had
experienced in the past three months (on a list of 55), male collegians indicated
26 of them. Women listed only 14.
Dream
On
There's
still a lot no one knows about sexual fantasies. Is the frequency and range of
fantasies similar in other cultures? How does the content of fantasies change
over one's lifetime? And what happens when we act on our fantasies? Does it spoil
them--or make them more vivid? "We have no idea," admits Leitenberg.
But
what we do know is proof enough that fantasies are an essential part of our sexual
repertoire. Far from being a sign of sexual inadequacy or deprivation, fantasies
are associated with a healthy, happy sex life. "The people who have the most
sexual problems fantasize least," Leitenberg notes.
Indeed,
fantasy's power to arouse us--some folks say they can achieve orgasm solely from
sexual thoughts, or "thinking off" -- proves that the brain is as potent
a sexual organ as one's genitalia. And though most erotic thoughts are relatively
ordinary, our more imaginative flights allow us to explore our sexuality without
risk of physical harm or social rejection. Consider this finding: Imagining having
sex with your current lover is a popular fantasy when you're not engaged in sexual
activity--while imagining sex with a new partner is a popular fantasy during intercourse.
Most
of us need no further justification for fantasy beyond the fun factor. "Sexual
fantasy is a natural part of being human" says Leitenberg. "It's pleasurable.
So why not fantasize?"
By:
Peter Doskoch Originally published by Psychology Today:Sep/Oct 95
